WHAT I WISH THEY KNEW (Part 3)
I am a highly sensitive person. My sensitivities make it challenging to watch scary movies or even just suspenseful ones. I think I flinch more than the person involved when I watch Funniest Home Videos. I might even crawl into a ball when I know an embarrassing scene is coming.
This also means I pick up on cues around me and inside of me quickly. Sometimes even before the other person can process what is stirring, I have a hunch already that there is something there.
It also means I can feel the energy in the room when it thickens. This is when there is a palpable charge in the space virtually or in person.
Sometimes it gets to be difficult to be in these spaces. As a society, especially in my Filipino upbringing, we were taught to practice “pakikiramdam” which heightened my sensitivities, unfortunately, we were not taught how to navigate tension well.
I liken it to a gathering where there is an elephant in the room taking up so much space, and everyone moving around it or ignoring it.
But what the heck do we do with the elephant in the room? Especially if you are engaging with someone highly sensitive or vulnerable? Like someone who is ill or going through a crisis?
This is where the phrase “Own the energy you bring into the room” supports me tremendously. I first heard of it from Michelle Ghillotti Mandel in her coaching program. I instantly knew this mantra could help me and others around me.
WHAT IT MEANS TO “OWN THE ENERGY YOU BRING IN THE ROOM”
When people asked me how I was able to advocate for myself and asked a roomful of OR doctors and nurses to breathe along with me before putting me on anesthesia, my response to that was because of the attunement I had with my body. At that given moment, I knew going to the surgery with a calmer nervous system could help me heal in the long run. I also knew that it would make the doctors and nurses working on me more present and grounded.
Erskine (1998) defines attunement as “a kinesthetic and emotional sensing of others knowing their rhythm, affect and experience by metaphorically being in their skin, and going beyond empathy to create a two-person experience of unbroken feeling connectedness by providing a reciprocal affect and/or resonating response”.
I view attunement as our assiduity and acuity in matching, mirroring, and making sense of the here and now. It is a foundational skill in fostering secure, empathetic, and validating relationships.
Attunement allows us to recognize, listen, and fulfill our yearnings and those around us. It is the ability to deeply understand and respond not only to another person's emotional state but also to one’s self. Attunement involves being present, listening attentively, and offering validation and support. It is crucial for building strong relationships and fostering emotional well-being.
CHALLENGES OF LIVING WITH DIFFERENT PARTS AND PARALLEL LIVES
I write a lot about honoring all our parts and finding the gifts of the different parts. Understanding that I am made up of parts has helped me reconcile with the tension I feel whenever there are conflicting parts wanting attention. Listening to our different parts is a crucial practice of attunement.
Like dandelions, our “self” consists of different parts and there are relational fields inside of us that interplay with these parts. Our self consists of dimensions in time, genealogy, and history. Inside of us are also historical and intergenerational fields. We carry in us values, perspectives, and expectations (especially around roles) that are passed on from generation to generation -from our families to the cultures and identities that we are part of. These also include our epigenetic make-up including both the traumas and thriving that our ancestors endured in their lives. Inside of us are also our dreams, desires, purposes, passions, and collective world views. - Lana Jelenjev, Strengthening the Relational Fields of the Fractals that are Inside of Us
I learned about the concept of “parallel lives” from Deirdre Fay’s book “Becoming Safely Embodied”. In this video, she shares more about how we can notice when we are not in the moment, and how we can bring ourselves to the here and now.
This is what I am learning about life:
We live with different parts inside of us. Parts with varying yearnings and holding different strengths and struggles.
We also live parallel lives.
We carry the patterns of our own past with all the unprocessed sorrows, fears, and unmet needs. We also consciously or unconsciously carry the patterns of our ancestors. We live the unlived lives of our ancestors with the ways we talk to ourselves, make our decisions, conduct ourselves. We also carry our ancestors’ hopes, dreams, and strengths, which makes it possible for us to live another parallel life- ourselves in the future.
We live in the future when we hold our dreams and hopes for ourselves and for those around us. When we worry about how things will go in the future, we worry because we care. Fear takes hold of us because we want to be connected and engaged with our loved ones. We spiral into thinking about the future because we know there are possibilities that we have yet to tap into.
So the parallel lives we live are the past, the present, and the future. All of these as an amalgamation, an amazing alchemy of what makes us unique.
This also makes it challenging to stay in the moment.
(This is my version of using both Virginia Satir’s Personal Iceberg Model and Deirdre Fay’s Parallel Lives- something to articulate for next article!)
BEING IN THE MOMENT WITH SOMEONE WHO NEEDS SUPPORT
When we are with our loved one who is ill or needs support, it’s natural for us to fragment into our past or future lives. It’s easy for us to get stuck in narratives that disconnect us from the present moment and because of that we get into patterns of behaviors that are not conducive to healing. Our task when holding space is to deeply attune ourselves, “how present am I in this given moment to be able to attend to what is needed from me right now?”
This is why asking a somewhat simple question “How are you?” to someone who is ill or going through a lot can be loaded. If you are not resourced to fully be present for what the other person may share then I suggest that you step back and ask yourself:
What is meaningful for me right now to know and understand?
What is within my capacity to receive and hold space for?
Am I resourced and within my window of tolerance to get into this space with the other person?
Practicing attunement before connecting with someone you love who is going through challenging times can help you to be fully present, engage from a place of sincerity, and be empathic to what arises in the moment.
Practicing Attunement with Ourselves and Others
Here are practices to deepen our attunement with ourselves:
Mindfulness Meditation: Regularly practicing mindfulness can help you become more attuned to your own thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations.
Journaling: Writing about your emotions can help you identify and understand them better.
Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend.
Regular Check-ins: Periodically check in with yourself to assess your emotional state and needs.
Here are practices to deepen our attunement with others:
Active Listening: Give your full attention to the speaker, maintain eye contact, and avoid interrupting.
Empathy: Try to understand the other person's perspective and feelings.
Validation: Acknowledge the other person's feelings without judgment or criticism.
Non-Verbal Cues: Pay attention to body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. (These might look, sound, and feel different from one person to another especially if they are neurodivergent.)
Open-Ended Questions: Encourage the other person to share more about their thoughts and feelings.
Avoid Defensiveness: Stay calm and open-minded, even if you disagree with the other person.
Practice Patience: Be patient and allow the conversation to unfold naturally.
Remember, attunement is a skill that takes practice. Be patient with yourself and others as you learn to connect on a deeper level.
PAGMUMUNI-MUNI: Questions for Self-Attunement:
Body Awareness:
What sensations do I feel right now? (e.g., tense, relaxed, energized, tired)
Where do I feel these sensations in my body? (e.g., chest, stomach, head)
What memories/ experiences can I associate with these sensations?
Emotional Awareness:
What emotions am I feeling right now? (e.g., happy, sad, angry, anxious)
What are the feelings that I have about my feelings?
What memories/experiences do I associate with these feelings?
Where do I feel these in my body?
How do these emotions affect my thoughts and behaviors?
Mental Awareness:
What perceptions (beliefs, assumptions,subjective reality, thoughts, ideas, values) do I have right now?
What expectations do I have of myself, of others, of other about me?
What deeper longings need tending, expression and fulfilment right now?
What narratives am I thinking about that pertains to either the past or the future?
What do I need to respond congruently right now?
What hopes am I cherishing? And why are these relevant?
Source:
R. G. Erksine, (1998) Attunement and involvement: therapeutic responses to relational needs. International Journal of Psychotherapy, Vol. 3 No. 3
Dear readers,
This was another download! Lots to unpack here (also from my side!). How was this piece for you? Please do message me directly or email to share how this article lands for you.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana
Kommentare