WHAT I WISH THEY KNEW (Part 2)
You can read Part 1 of “What I Wish The Knew” series "SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO HOLD SPACE FOR LOVE ONES RECENTLY DIAGNOSED WITH AN ILLNES" originally published in Living a Legacy Substack channel.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote the first part of What I Wish They Knew: Suggestions on How to Hold Space For Love Ones Recently Diagnosed With An Illness (Part 1) I was flooded with heartfelt messages from people who found the tips and practices valuable in their relationships and their work.
This time I want to write about the “elephant in the room”.
What do we even do when someone we care about has disclosed their illness or problem AND we find ourselves at a loss or stuck on how to be there for the person?
UNDERSTANDING THE FREEZE RESPONSE
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you felt unable to move, react, or even feel completely paralyzed during moments of extreme stress or fear? This might've been more than just fear taking hold; it could've been your body's freeze response.
Our bodies are wired with various survival mechanisms, and the freeze response is one of them.
The freeze response can be understood as the body's survival tactic. When neither fighting nor fleeing is a viable option, the body may resort to freezing as a last-ditch effort to protect itself. In this state, an individual might feel paralyzed, unable to move or speak, as if their body has shut down. This reaction is driven by the autonomic nervous system, particularly the parasympathetic branch, which can override the fight-or-flight response, leading to immobility (Porges, 2011).
Imagine a rabbit playing dead when a predator is nearby. By not moving, it might avoid detection and hence, survive. The same principle applies to humans. Freezing during a traumatic event can protect us by making us less noticeable or conserving our energy for a potential escape.
In contrast to what you might think, the freeze response happens when the nervous system is highly stimulated. The sympathetic nervous system, responsible for managing fight or flight reactions, becomes activated; however, rather than preparing for action, it leads to a shutdown. At the same time, the parasympathetic branches of our autonomic nervous system are also engaged. Typically associated with relaxation, our parasympathetic system helps to balance the physical effects of stress hormones overwhelming our bodies. As a result, muscles may tense, breathing may become shallow, and individuals might feel numb or disconnected from their surroundings. This response is involuntary, meaning it cannot be consciously controlled or resisted. It reflects the body's instinctive attempt to protect itself, even when the threat perceived is emotional rather than physical.
UNDERSTANDING OUR WINDOW OF TOLERANCE
The window of Tolerance is a concept coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, MD, to describe the optimum zone of “arousal” for a person to effectively manage and cope with their emotions. (Personally I prefer to use the term "Window of Attunement".)
When in the Window of Tolerance, we
feel balanced, calm, confident, and secure in facing day-to-day experiences
are capable of handling pressure or stress
are settled and with full awareness of the present moment
are open and curious as opposed to feeling judgmental and defensive
are aware of boundaries and how to set them
experience empathy not only for others but also self-empathy
we can self-soothe
we experience a full range of emotions and can regulate the ebb and flow of emotions
state of mind is calm, alert, flexible, and adaptable
can take in new learning
feel relaxed and in control
Our work is to broaden our Window of Tolerance.
In our Window of Tolerance (VENTRAL VAGAL COMPLEX), we can learn effectively, engage, and relate well to ourselves and others. Each one of us have a different "window of tolerance" which is based on our childhood experiences, neurobiology, social support, environment, and coping skills. The size of our window can change from day to day but the wider we can make the window, the less likely we are to experience anger, frustration, or feel low and lacking energy.
Dysregulation occurs when we start to deviate outside of our window of tolerance. We start to feel agitated and uncomfortable, but we're not out of control yet. However, if we move outside of our window we can become hyperaroused (where we’re revved up and anxious) or hypoaroused (where we shut down and disconnect).
We need to increase our capacity to experience emotions (including intense ones) without becoming dysregulated by recognizing and being aware of our window of tolerance. We also need to learn to regulate ourselves when we are in hyper-arousal state or hypoarousal.
While the freeze response can initially seem like a paralyzing dead end, understanding it as a protective mechanism can foster resilience and self-compassion. Knowing that the freeze response is an involuntary, automatic reaction can be empowering. It highlights the body's innate wisdom to protect itself, even in the face of overwhelming threats.
"Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you" (Bessel van der Kolk, 2014).
UNDERSTANDING FUNCTIONAL FREEZE
Freezing can be triggered by anxiety, panic, or shock. We find that we can move out of our frozen state once the stressor goes away and our nervous system can reset to a relaxed mode. Although the freeze response is meant to be temporary, if the stressor does not go away and we remain in a state of stress, fear, or overwhelm for too long, then we can move into functional freeze. This is when we find ourselves continuing with behaviours that make us “override” our natural physiological reactions and when functional freeze becomes our “main operating system” - a default in the ways we engage with ourselves and others.
How do we notice when we are in functional freeze?
These patterns might seem familiar when you are in functional freeze:
outwardly functioning but feel stuck
disengaged or not fully present
disconnected from your emotions
appear distant or disinterested
numbness both physically, emotionally, or socially
unable to relax
heightened sense of overwhelm
edginess
hypervigilance
pervasive sense of dread or doom
reduced emotional responsiveness
challenges in forming meaningful connections
“tired and wired” - pervasive low-level anxiety coupled with exhaustion
decrease in motivation
low self-care
want to avoid social contact
“bed rotting”
“doomscrolling” -the habit of scrolling through an excessive amount of news stories on the web and social media, despite it causing negative emotions. Scrolling provides the brain with constant novelty and a shot of “junk dopamine” (giving short term reward with long-term consequences)
difficulty making decisions
escapism
brain fog
procrastination
However, the freeze and functional freeze responses are not without psychological implications. It can lead to feelings of helplessness, especially if the individual perceives their immobility as a failure to act. It is important to give ourselves compassion and not fall into guilt or shame that may arise after withdrawing or disconnecting ourselves.
The profound emotional numbing and dissociation that define this condition can cause us to seem distant or uninterested, even towards those we care about deeply. Those we hold dear might look at our distant demeanor, interpreting it as disinterest, perhaps even as rejection.
Can you imagine the pain they must feel, thinking that we don't care?
This misunderstanding, this miscommunication, can eat away at relationships, resulting in isolation that amplifies feelings of loneliness and detachment.
Which brings me back to the reason of this article.
When in functional freeze and you receive news about a loved one in pain or suffering, you might find it too overwhelming to respond to the person. You might even feel paralysed to make a decision on what to say or what to do to support the person you care about. In some situations, you might even find yourself disengaging entirely or “ghosting” the person.
This can severe bonds and create a spiral of abandonment, trust, guilt, and shame for both parties involved.
OUR MOMENTS OF STILLNESS CAN BE STEPPING STONES TO GROWTH
We experience different levels of freeze response without being aware of it. There are times when we are numb, disconnected, and detached from ourselves and others, and sometimes we see and experience this as the norm.
Moving out of functional freeze is not a “just get over it” phenomenon. Being in functional freeze in the first place mean that our nervous system has been so wired for a long time that it is keeping us hypervigilant. We can’t break out of the cycle that easily. What we can do at the start is to notice our patterns.
Understanding our freeze and functional freeze tendencies can help us be more aware of how we are showing up for ourselves and for others.
Here are some questions to explore functional freeze and how it shows up for you:
IDENTIFY PATTERNS- How does functional freeze show up for you? What do you usually do?
DEEPEN CONTEXT - What situations tend to trigger functional freeze behaviors?`
RECOGNISE PEOPLE- Who are the people who tend to trigger your functional freeze responses?
CONNECT TO MEMORIES - What is your earliest memory of being in a functional freeze mode?
KNOW COPING ACTIONS- What do you usually do when you notice yourself in functional freeze mode?
TUNE IN WITH YOUR EMOTIONS AND SENSATIONS - What emotions and sensations come up for you? How does your body feel?
CHALLENGE NARRATIVES- What stories do you tell myself when you experience functional freeze?
MINE FOR STRENGTHS- What strategies have worked before to cope with functional freeze?
IDENTIFY THE RESISTANCE- What are the beliefs that get in the way of you attending to yourself and your needs?
NAME EXPECTATIONS - What expectations do you have of yourself or of others when you are in functional freeze?
NOTICE PROTECTIVE FACTORS- In what ways are you being protected by my functional freeze responses?
HONOUR AND LET GO - What do I need to remember or honor in this period of functional freeze? What needs letting go?
Stay tuned for part 3 on "HOW TO OWN THE ENERGY YOU BRING IN THE ROOM"
Hi my dear,
I know this series is deeply personal for me. Not only because of what I have been through but also because a very dear loved one of mine is also going through breast cancer treatments. Given how this experience affects a lot of us, I find it important to start putting to words what I feel are essential on how to show up for each other.
As ever, I am curious how these are resonating with you. Do message or reply here with your thoughts. Please do share this with people you know who might benefit from this work.
Hiraya manawari,
Lana
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